Jon Gosselin Reveals the Identity of His Love Child

New York, NY

In a new bizarre twist in the never ending saga of the Gosselins, family patriarch Jon Gosselin revealed today that DNA testing has confirmed that he is the father of the illegitimate love child-fish: Dory. "I've made a lot of mistakes in my life but I this one really tops them all. I just want to apologize yet again to my family, Rabbi Shmuley and all of the oceanographers and lifeguards at Point Lookout Beach in NY".

"Hey Dad!"

Hillary Making Diplomatic Strides in India

"....and then I blinked my eyes like in "I Dream of Jeannie" and Bill laid out a make believe magic carpet for us to neck on, and that was the night Chelsea was conceived..."

Boy Finds His Natural Father

We've got good news and bad news.

The good news is....we found your father! The bad news is:

IT'S CHARLES MANSON!!!!"

Rush Limbaugh: Gallop Poll Counting Too Many Blacks For Obama

Rush Limbaugh recently accused the Gallop Poll company of polling a disproportionate amount of blacks to boost Barack Obama's approval ratings to just above 50%. In a similar story, Limbaughs own numbers have been going up since Gallop increased the polling of big fat idiots.

Cheney Criticizes Obama for Bowing to Japanese Emperor

Dick Cheney blasted President Obama today for showing weakness when he bowed to Japan's Emperor Akihito. There is no reason for an American president to bow to anyone, the former vice president told Politico.com. "Our friends and our allies don't expect it, and our enemies see it as a sign of weakness," he added. "In our day we would hold hands with a guy and French kiss him if we wanted to show respect. Then we would go back to the hotel and rent "The Prince of Tides" and just cuddle".

It Wasn't Me!!

PHOENIX, Arizona

A habitually speeding motorist who has been continually evading police by donning an ape mask led to the "mistaken identity" arrest of the ape son of Cornelius and Zira, the chimpanzee scientists from the Planet of the Apes.

"now listen guys - please! I don't even have a license"

Caesar, pictured here at his North Hollywood home was quoted as saying: "although I understand this was a misunderstanding, this practice of species profiling must stop before more innocent apes are persecuted and we will have no other choice but to rise up all over again".

Caesar has retained a Jewish Orangutan attorney from the law firm of Zaius, Zaius and Cohen and is seeking and undisclosed amount of damages from this incident. The Phoenix police department would not comment.

Metal Detector Pays Off Big

LONDON, England (CNN) -- Terry Hubert, a man using a metal detector in a rural English field has uncovered the largest Anglo-Saxon gold hoard ever found -- an "unprecedented" treasure archaeologists said Thursday. Authorities however were skeptical and confiscated the windfall trove when Hubert was unable to locate his car keys which he claimed to have dropped while attempting to transport the material.  

Terror suspect stocked up beauty supplies

AURORA, Colorado (CNN) -- An Afghan-born Colorado man Najibullah Zazi was charged with plotting to create bombs from household chemicals made from stock piles of beauty supplies he obtained over the course of several months in suburban Denver. Earlier, in March 2009 unsuspecting executives of Mary Kay Cosmetics rewarded Zazi with a pink Cadillac for topping the list of cosmetic sales for the first quarter of 2009. Upon his arrest, Zazi's Cadillac was seized and was subsequently given to the first runner up - a mustached and bearded, middle aged housewife from suburban Iowa pictured above.

Cher's Daughter Undergoes Hormonal Treatments

            LOS ANGELES, California - Chastity Bono, daughter of Cher, has begun extensive hormonal treatments to begin her transition from being a woman to becoming a man.  The Shrek-like transgender offspring of Sonny and Cher wishes to be known from now on as "Chazz" and will have completed her testoserone induced journey sometime in early 2010.   Below is an exclusive MuchoGroucho artist's rendering of how Chastity will look upon completion of her

treatments:                      

                                                              Before

                                      

                                                                 After

                                              

Fun With the Dalai Lama

MEMPHIS,  Tennesee  - Upon meeting the holy see of Buddhism: The Dalai Lama,  Memphis mayor  Myron Lowery stunned his constituency and the nation when he greeted the perpetually pajamad Lama with an urban "fist bump". 

Not to be out done, New York's Reverend Al Sharpton smacked Deeprak Choprah's rear end at a recent book signing event at Barnes and Nobles in Harlem. 

     

     

  

                  "oh my!!"

Lunch? You Betchya!

Cathy Maples likes Sarah Palin - so much so that she is paying $63,500 to have dinner with the former Alaska governor and vice presidential candidate.

Maples, 53, of Huntsville, outbid the other contenders in an eBay auction that ended Friday to share a meal with Palin.

Maples failed however to outbid Kentucky native Travis Bickle who was disqualified when it was learned that his bid of $100,000 was offered to NOT have dinner with Sarah Palin.  Palin could not be reached for a comment.

Barbara Finally Loses It

Obama Announces Tariffs on Chinese Products

Washington - President Obama announced that he is imposing a tariff on certain Chinese imports to help boost the American economy. In a "tit for tat" move - the Chinese government announced that restaurants will no longer offer free chinese noodles with outgoing orders of Won Ton soup. The president could not be reached for a comment but his chief of staff Rham Emmanuel, a frequent patron of nearby Wang Fung restaurant is said to be livid.

Shorty

The world was outraged when Mexican drug lord Joaquin-Guzman-Lorea aka "Shorty" made it to the prestigious Forbes List of top BILLIONAIRES in the World.   We asked what it was like to be listed with loathsome, blood-thirsty, greedy, backstabbing murderers. 

Shorty responded "I don't mind".

                                           

Japanese Robot Girl

Tsukuba, Japan

Scientists unveiled the first silicone based, ultra-realistic female robot at a technology convention today. The robot's inventor Hiroshi Ishiguru of Osaka University was quoted as proudly saying: "she can do most anything a real woman can do - talk, walk, sit, stand, even read. The only thing she can not do is parallel park a car. We haven't been able to crack the code on that one yet". The inventor was ecstatic when a colleague discreetly informed him that even real women have not mastered that task!

Mucho Groucho

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